The totally (un)surprising news came out today that Ron Paul, the libertarian voice of reason in the Republican Party, is “suspending his active campaigning” for president. This means that the whole field has rolled over for the presumptive milquetoast, Mitt Romney.

 

I have just a few observations here, as you’d probably imagine: First off, can we please get the candidates to stop using stupid hedging terms like “suspending” when referring to shutting down their campaign? Can’t they say “throwing in the towel,” or “giving up and going on vacation?” Suspending the campaign makes is actually sound like they’re secretly hoping that some sort of stupefying event will take place at the nominating convention, or sometime between now and the convention that will miraculously give them Romney’s delegates.

 

Second, I know it’s how campaigns run, but can’t we, just for once, have a contested convention? I’m actually starting to think that a hotly contested convention would actually help a candidate these days, because they’d have to think on their feet, make strong, impassioned speeches that truly reflect the person they are, and would force people to make a choice based on something other than a candidate being the lesser of two evils.

 

Third, besides the fact that this pretty much cements Romney’s position as the Republican nominee, I am struggling to accept a candidate whose chosen first name is “Mitt.” In fact, I actually prefer that he go with his real first name, “Willard,” and not his middle name. (Who the hell names their kid Mitt, anyway? A catcher? Though Wikipedia claims he was named after a family friend who was a football player. Still…)

 

The good news, though, is that while the voice of Republican reason is out of the presidential hunt, so too is Newt Gingrich, who really appeared to be nearing an ego blowout from overinflation; as well as Rick Santorum, who was nothing more than just scary.

 

The only question remaining now is what will the press cover until the conventions? Do we get an entire summer of barbs between the candidates leading up to conventions that are nothing but posturing? Just remember that a mere couple of months ago, the reporters were girding their loins in preparation for a summer’s long primary battle. Now? Nothing.

 

So please remember folks, when campaigns end early, it’s the reporting pool you’re hurting. Let that be your lesson.

 

See you tomorrow.

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When it was written
April 2014
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