The Temple of Doom

For those not living in these parts, it may well be forgivable to not realize that we do indeed have a professional football team. You may well also be forgiven if you don’t realize that said professional football team has been playing in an antiquated building. It is a building that is so old that hipsters may not have been alive when it was opened. All others, though…

Okay, you get the picture. The dome’s dead, the new Vikings…er, thing…is being built. And today, the Vikings shared with the world more images from their brand new cathedral of football. Let’s take a look at what we’re getting for the next 30 years, shall we?

I’ve said it before. This thing looks like it was pooped out of robot. I have no idea what the architects were thinking when they designed this thing, but there had to have been some sort of mood-altering chemicals involved.

vikings 5What’s worse is that half of the roof is transparent, and the other is not. Meaning that half of the crowd will have a permanent sun tan, and the other will not. Meanwhile, the photographers will hate every minute of this light/dark horror show.

vikings 7It looks almost light and airy in there. And, as an added bonus, keep in mind that on that far end, there are gigantic doors that can swing open to air the joint out…

Those who don’t live in town here may not know where the new stadium will be built. Let’s answer that pictorially:

vikings 2As you can clearly see, it’s conveniently located across the yet-to-be-built park from the Hennepin County Jail, which should speed the process of getting players back into the game after their drunk driving arrests.

And for a view of the pristine stadium and the Minneapolis skyline at night, we give you this image:

vikings 6This, by the way, is an artist’s rendition of what it would look like if the Vikings ever had a winning team. I shall hold this close to my heart for all eternity as it shall never, ever come to fruition.

Okay. Enough of the exterior shots. What about the interior amenities? The new website set up by the Vikings touts the seven clubs in the stadium, including the “Valhalla Club,” so named, presumably, as a place where can honor the Vikings war dead. But, as the team also points out, this new stadium is nearly twice as large as the previous stadium, while still holding just a few more seats…So they had to do something with all of that extra space.

What about the suites for the discerning fan and their overblown corporate overlords? Let’s look:

vikings 3Looks pretty swanky, don’t it? Nice enough so these suite-dwellers can completely detach from the real world and not even have to watch the game through the doors at the far end of the room there.In fact, it will be hilarious if the sliding glass doors there are actually frosted as they appear in this rendering.

Let’s look at another suite:

vikings 4The keen-eyed observer will notice several wonderful things about this suite: first, the garage door opening at the other end of the suite. Second, that this door seems to open up directly at the back of the end zone, meaning that players can dart in and out of the suite during breaks in the game, and grab a few chicken wings to power up for the following play, and return before the next snap. And third, the lighting on the woman on the right seems almost like direct sunlight, which leads me to believe that this stadium may well have many structural elements which, like half of the roof, will be transparent.

Finally, let’s look at the locker room.

vikings 1Pretty nice, eh? The team colors adorning the walls and floor give that team pride. And the logo in the ceiling for those moments when everyone looks skyward wondering just what the hell happened out there.

Finally, let’s share some numbers…right off of the Vikings’ new stadium site: the new stadium is going to cost 17.7 times the amount that the Metrodome did. But let’s keep in mind that inflation since 1981 has caused costs to increase just three-fold. The concourses will be almost twice as wide, there will be more handicapped seating, and just over twice as many bathroom fixtures. There will be more concession stands, substantially larger video boards, more TVs, 11 elevators, 34 escalators, one pedestrian ramp, and, most importantly, WiFi.

Wow. I don’t know about you, but I’m really looking forward to this. The day they gold plate this sucker will be one to remember.

See you tomorrow.