Searching–Or The Reason For My Absence
I know. I haven’t been here in a while. Well, pull up a chair, and I’ll try to elucidate, as the line from some saxophone-playing jazz man goes.
I am feeling the drag of life, winter, work, and other things, all gathered up in a large rock of ennui which has been tethered to my metaphorical ankle.
Winter is on it’s seventeenth consecutive month, and while the forecast on TV each day teases temperatures that are ever so slowly increasing, the white and ice on the lawns, roads, sidewalks and the like just seem to beat any active desire out of you. You see, I have plans–or at least hopes–to clean, refresh, tidy, neaten, order, repair, and the like, and all are basically on hold until the outside isn’t frozen.
Much like the frozen world outside, work life is also stuck. Any kind of promotion seems difficult to come by here, and after failing at another attempt, one doesn’t have much drive to pursue another. That is until months pass and another opportunity presents itself, then you suck it up, put on your best face, get optimistic and jump into the fray. If it fails again, well, it’s wash, rinse, repeat.
I’m searching for something fun to do with my free time. Something that I want to do and look forward to doing. So I guess in that sense, I’m searching for a hobby. And I haven’t found one that’s adequately enticed me to give it a try.
Oh, the writing is an option, but I seem to lack some basic desire there: I start writing, work hard for a few days or even weeks, and then just stop because…Well, that’s just it: I don’t really know why. I find things to blame it on which aren’t real, but ultimately, I just don’t do it when I have the free time. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t find a story idea that really grabs me, or that I’m not that good at it, or that I can’t focus on the project or what.
Reading is an option, but for the life of me, over half of what I’ve read lately just isn’t interesting and doesn’t rope me in. My mind tends to start wandering after a while of reading, and if the book can’t grab my mind and hold it on the page, I eventually find it’s time to move on.
Music is an option. And I’m playing with that: I’ve got an editing program on my computer, and have hooked the keyboard up to it to record things track-by-track, but I’ve encountered a bit of a problem in that to really make something that sounds great, you need to write down some music so you know where things are going and they don’t sound like each track is completely winging it.
Watching TV or movies are an option, but not one that I really want to embrace too much for multiple reasons, though I do complain a lot about having a lot of movies in my Netflix queue, and having a pile of shows recorded for me on my computer.
And then there are actual hobbies I could pursue: knitting, model railroading, candle-making, building ships in a bottle…These have their own merits, to be sure, but there are financial and desire hurdles to overcome on most of them.
So I’m a man in search of a hobby, in search of something fun and fulfilling that I want to pursue–that I look forward to doing…Something that will make the rest of the world just melt away when I need it to.
Like the warm sun on a cold spring day.
See you tomorrow.