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I Am Not An Elf

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keebler_elves1Perhaps in your compiled lifetime television and pop culture experience, the little guy over there on the left will spark a memory. I don’t know if he was a response to or the original that prompted the creation of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but there’s part of me that wonders if they ever rumbled.

Anyway, you’ll recall that, according to the folklore presented by the advertisements, he and his diminutive friends lived in a tree, which, the commercials continued, had somehow been brought up to code and health standards, while still being successfully hollowed out and still maintaining the ability to maintain viable, live leaves.

Furthermore, in the kitchen in the second floor of this tree–if trees do indeed have “floors,” the elves labored away to create all kinds of snack foods for the masses. They included crackers, cookies, pie crusts and, apparently, according to the Keebler website, ice cream cones. They were successful and apparently talented elves, infusing each delectable morsel they made with “elfin magic” (which probably was just a euphemism for booze), or some such thing.

They worked tirelessly, but happily, somehow satisfying the nation’s incredible demand for E.L Fudge Double Stuffed Cookies and Town House Crackers with a workforce of about eight elves crammed into what appears to be a fairly squat elm tree.

One imagines they didn’t have much down time. Maybe the booze kept them going…Er, that “elfin magic.” Could be uppers, I suppose.

So it was this weekend that I took up the elfin banner and worked to supply the world with fine confections. Except that I have neither a merry band of seven other liquored-up short people, nor a tree-based kitchen.

See, I volunteered–or more appropriately agreed to being volunteered–to cook up some gluten-free items for a bake sale held in conjunction with the Boy Scout pancake breakfast that was held at church this morning.

And since I’ve been baking up some cookies or something every weekend–because a store-bought gluten-free cookie seems to have been made with angel wings and gold dust–I figured I’d just double the batches and go. Seriously…I can get a box of 9 chocolate chip cookies (pretty good cookies, actually) for $4.40 at Cub, and the batch I just made for Patrick probably cost right around $9 for the whole 4 dozen, including the cost of Ghirardelli chocolate chips.

I enlisted some help from Patrick–enough to get the Scotcheroos done–and between the Ultimate Peanut Butter Cookies made yesterday and the Chocolate Chip Cookies I made today for Patrick, I closed out the weekend with the following cooking scorecard:

  • 7 dozen Ultimate Peanut Butter Cookies
  • 4 dozen Chocolate Chip Cookies
  • 1 pan of Scotcheroos (yielding 48 pieces–yes, I cut them small)
  • 1 gluten-free bacon and swiss quiche (Jenni got a gluten-free crust from a coworker, and I had to try it out. Verdict: remarkably good)
  • 1 double-batch of homemade hummus (for the get-together and movie night with friends)
  • 1 crock pot of chili

I think I’ve discovered why the elves probably were liquored up all of the time.

No, I’m not complaining. It’s something that needed to be done, was perfectly within my capabilities, and not really all that hard. Though there were those occasional moments when I’d look in the bowl of cookie dough and sigh and wonder why there’s more dough.

On the positive side, the pancake breakfast seemed to be a success. All of my scotcheroos sold out, but just one bag of the cookies went, which is good and bad: good because then I’ve got more to keep at home, and bad because selling more would have helped the scouts more.

So I’m off to relax for the rest of the evening. Perhaps I’ll see if YouTube has a video of the Keebler elves fighting the Dough Boy.

Fair Warning: I may or may not post tomorrow, but if I don’t, I will make it up during the day Tuesday with a post of videos from Patrick’s band concert.

See you tomorrow.