There are times that as a blogger, and probably even as a person, I feel pretty insignificant.
I blog about useless stuff, rant about politics, or sometimes, in those interesting times, post stuff about my family. Maybe even with pictures. I’m not out there analyzing the world or striving to make the world a better place, or reviewing great art or music or culture or anything like that.
I’m not being as deep and interesting as I’d like to be…Or maybe I am being deep and interesting and I just don’t realize it.
I pop in from time to time on my uncle’s blog, where he talks about art and architecture and it’s really deep, insightful stuff. And I get done reading something (like the post from Saturday), and just sit back and say “wow. I’ve really written some crap. I’ve got nothin’ on the golden ratio…”
No, I write about the morons who call me every day. I write about my cats. Or the latest casserole I made. Or the last gay foreign independent movie I watched. It doesn’t quite feel like it all carries the same intellectual weight. Yet, it’s all important, isn’t it? It’s what my life is: technology, the cats, my wonderful family, and even cooking. My life isn’t centered around deep-minded intellectual stuff.
Part of it, I’m sure, is that in my head I want to be creative, and I’m just not. Not the way I want to be, and so I don’t put much effort into it because I get frustrated by how far short of my ideal I fall. That’s what it is. I don’t write as much as I want to because I spend too much time re-reading and editing and revising stuff that I’ve already written because it’s not what I wanted to have come out of my head. I don’t record music because I want to jump right in and do what I have in my head, and I can’t get there from here…
The blog here is even an art form to me, as is the Instagram and Twitter and Tumblr feeds I have. Except that I can’t achieve the art that I keep wanting to do. So I do what I can on those because at least it’s out there and easy.
I know, mom and Jenni, don’t be so hard on myself. Just do it and don’t worry about it so much. But that’s what I do. And as I’ve had said to me more than once in therapy: I want to be here (holding hand way up in the air) with everything in my life, but I’m here (holding hand in the middle), and feel like I’m here (holding hand down low), and just get frustrated because I’ve got to pass through so much do get from down here to up there.
I’ve read that lots of people are like that–perfectionists about themselves in spite of the fact that the world appreciated their skills for what they were. So, I need to just affirm that I’m doing well, good at my job, good at cooking and writing the blog and other stuff…I just need to work at improvement as best I can.
See you tomorrow.