If I Had Won

So someone won the Powerball. And it wasn’t me. So now I’ll tell you how I would have spent the money.


Just keep in mind it wouldn’t have changed me. Not in the least.


Had I won, you, gentle readers, would be reading this blog not on your computer, but instead on a parchment scroll which was delivered personally to your doorstep by my new flock of custom-trained carrier parrots, all of whom would then wish you a good day in the language of your choice. The scrolls would have been hand-illuminated by monks I’d have flown in from their cloister in the Swiss Alps. They would have been given the manuscript via e-mail which had been transcribed by my talented collection of one million monkeys sitting not at typewriters, but at gold leaf covered MacBook Pro laptops.


The scroll, no doubt, would have highlighted my excitement at having won such a prize, and would have gone into great detail on how I planned on spending my newly found fortune.


First off, you would have noticed by now that several $100,000 bills, custom printed for me by the Treasury, had been attached lovingly to the scroll using a fine silk, with the silkworms actually still working on eating through the bills and the parchment while still actively producing the silk. It’s my gift to you, just for reading–the money, that is. Oh, and the silkworms. Enjoy.


I would also by now have been deep in negotiations to either purchase Bolivia or finance the Greek debt in exchange for “King for Life” status and a lifetime supply of spanakopita, gyros, and feta.


I would also have been in negotiations to purchase the Twins, Cardinals or Cubs, but we couldn’t get past my stipulation that all players bow to my box on their way to home plate to bat.


Sorry for the delay there. I would have been on the phone just then talking to the architects about the designs on the various buildings for the compound. My building was to have been constructed entirely from platinum, carbon fiber, diamonds and angels’ tears. The girls building, I think, was slated to made out of gummy bears.


I’ll have solved the issue of paying for the kids’ education: by buying a college. Might as well dictate what they’ll be learning while I’m at it.


The cats, as you’d probably expect, would have been given the world’s most exquisitely comfortable cat beds to sleep on. So comfortable, in fact, that they probably would refuse to leave them. Which is fine, because they’d have lackeys who could pick them up and carry them to their golden litter box and the crystal-encrusted food and water bowls.


As I said, I would not have let the winning change me at all. I’d still be the same normal, down-to-earth person I am now. Well, except that you couldn’t come to visit me. Ever. Or if you did manage to visit, you couldn’t use the furniture. Or the door, for that matter.


But I might put a morsel of food on a platter and leave it on the front step for you. Maybe.


What the world’s going to miss by me not winning the Powerball…


See you tomorrow.