Goals

I’ve never been good at goals–either forming them or pursuing them. I do, however, excel at dreams, which should be just an easy step away from transforming into goals. But since I’m not good at one, I’m just a good dreamer.

 

I’ve always lived my life as a reactionary. As much as I like to plan, I just kind of fall into the trap of going along with things as they happen. And perhaps that’s why I find myself where I am: unhappy at work, and perhaps a bit unenthusiastic at home. Sure, I stand up for myself more, but it still hasn’t gotten me very far, and that’s only a defense. I need an offense, too.

 

Jenni’s always been good at goals. That’s one of the many things I admire in her. She can see things she wants to do or become and will reach for them, and this May she’ll achieve another of those goals.

 

So what goals do I want to set for myself? I don’t really know yet. I have a lot of dreams, but what of them do I really want to work at and make become a reality? Where do I want to be in three months, six months, a year, five years? I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to be in the same rut I’m in right now. And I want to reward myself for achieving some goals. Because I don’t reward myself much at all.

 

Don’t read this wrong, everyone. Sure, I’m a bit down on how things are going right now, but I’m not desperate or despondent. I need to make a new path. I know I can do it because I have at least a couple major examples of achievement right before me: my family, and the progress we’ve made on our finances in just 18 months. It’s just time to finally just say “Here’s what I need to do now.”

 

I’m not good at me. It’s a stupid phrase, but it’s one that came up a lot in the myriad of therapy sessions I’ve had. I’m good at everyone else: caring for them, helping them, supporting them. And all I really do for me is sit and spend time alone. Not good.

 

Maybe it took a shell shock like what’s happened at work to finally get through to me. Maybe I just needed to get tired of dreaming.

 

That’s where I am, kids. Deep, heavy soul-searching.

 

More to come. I promise.

 

See you tomorrow.