With Friends Like This…

As I frequently do on Saturdays, I was listening to Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me on NPR. The show, for the uninitiated, is a weekly “news quiz,” involving a panel made up usually of comedians, famous guests who play a game called “Not My Job,” and people who call in for a chance to win the only prize the show gives away: Carl Kasell (the show’s announcer and scorekeeper and longtime news reader) recording your voice mail message.


This week, amid the morass that has become the Republican presidential primary race, Wait Wait… mentioned something that made me laugh, but then, after telling Jenni about it, she found the real link (click with extreme caution!) to what I had hoped was a joke op-ed piece by a Fox News personality.


Here’s the gist of it, for those who don’t want to injure, infect, or otherwise abuse themselves with this crap: Newt Gingrich, the writer claims in the piece, would be an excellent President because of, not in spite of, his three marriages. The reasoning, as simplistically as I can present it without hurting your brain, is because if three women have fallen in love with the man and wanted to marry him, he must be a very likable guy who will obviously be a great president. This makes about as much sense as declaring an axe murderer to be an excellent candidate for Supreme Court Justice because he knows the court system so well.


Among his arguments are that he’ll be better able to talk to congress because he’s sat down with two of his wives and told them he was not in love with them any more and was moving on. I can see it now: “Uh, see, congress. Yeah, about the budget? I think we should see other people. So I’m just going to move on now and leave you with the kids. And I’m taking the military with me.”


But at the end of this fantasy is the conclusion that the only risk the country would take by electing such a great man is that he’d be seduced by a “younger country” and would be taken to be their president. We could only hope…


I’ve read this thing three times now and if my jaw were to drop any further, I could scratch my navel with it. But instead, I decided to check out who this wingnut is.


Keith Ablow is a member of the Fox News Medical A-Team, which one hopes means he may have some medical qualifications. He is a life coach and psychiatrist who may be dipping into some of the meds he prescribes. He has, at one point or another, urged parents not to let their kids watch Dancing With the Stars because seeing Chaz Bono would make them want to become transgendered as well, that government should get out of the business of issuing marriage licenses because it’s essentially a contract that allows the government to divide your possessions when you divorce, and that by providing 99 weeks of unemployment benefits, the government is helping encourage depression because people don’t want to leave the benefits program to take a job that pays less than unemployment. Because let’s face it: everyone would be happier and better off working a job that’s supporting your family less than your unemployment check is.


Personally, if Gingrich is elected, I can’t wait for some younger country to come along and woo him away. Hell, I’d even be okay if that cougar, Greece, came and took him off to their love nest.


Okay. Y’all excuse me while I go shower now. So, so dirty…..


See you tomorrow.