Tonight, we continue our ongoing series of public-service pieces highlighting the Republican candidates for President. Last time, you will recall, we profiled Ron Paul, the only sensible wingnut in the Republican primary race.

In this edition, we will focus on Herman Cain: pizza icon, business man, accused and forgetful sexual predator…Oh, wait.

As with Mr. Paul’s segment on our site here, we will take position and information statements from the candidate’s own website. Nothing beyond our commentary here is fabricated.

So first off, let me just say that it’s nice to finally have a businessman in the race, because at least he puts some money into his website. When we profiled Ron Paul, his site at the time looked like it had been thrown together by a bunch of teenagers. The only thing it was missing was blinking text (it has since cleaned itself up)… But Cain has classed up the joint, especially when compared to his “friends,” who have a site in his name to raise money for his Iowa Caucus run. Let’s take a look at the landing page for his site:

Wait, what? Renew the U.S.A.? We’ve expired? I didn’t get a renewal notice, did you? Okay, don’t panic. I’m sure I put the notice around here somewhere…They give you five days after the expiration month to renew, right? As long as we drive the country somewhere away from the cops, we should be good…Where the hell is that renewal notice?

Okay, while I have my lackey look for that notice, we’ll move on to talk about our two-trick pony here. Prior to his little, um, wandering hands problem, he was the man with the 9-9-9 plan.

The 9-9-9 plan, for those who didn’t hear about this, calls for a 9% business flat tax (oh, and that’s based on “gross income less all purchases from other U.S. located businesses, all capital investment, and net exports”). So we’ve eliminated loopholes in favor of…loopholes. As a businessman, he must realize how many tax attorneys and accountants large corporations have, so he’s got to realize that GE, for example, will probably continue to find a way to pay no taxes just as it is now…

Then there’s the 9% individual flat tax, based on “gross income less charitable deductions.” Oh, and us individuals will also pay a 9% national sales tax, which the site points out doesn’t actually override state and local sales taxes, but instead “replaces taxes that are already embedded in selling prices.” Like what? The corporate income tax that GE doesn’t already pay? Nothing in that statement makes any sense: you know that taxes paid by a manufacturer certainly get passed on, but how do you know what part of that is in the cost of a product? And how will we, as consumers, know that 9% is less than that? Either way, that means that all individuals will pay an 18% tax rate to the federal government when it’s all said and done.

I took a quick look at the tax brackets for individuals, and right now, that 18% is higher than what I’m currently paying. In fact, that rate is higher than what it appears anyone making under about $130,000 or so is paying right now. And let me point out that corporate income tax rates seem to start at 15% and go up to 35% from there…9% seems a lot lower for them. Now if my numbers reading is correct, the vast majority of households in this country make under that $130,000 line, so while he’s selling the plan as a way to “unite all tax payers.” Unite us to do what? Really revolt?

Oh, but in the meantime, we can all be proud that Cain has raised the dough he needs to run his campaign for the Iowa Caucuses! I just hope the picture of him isn’t taken from him pointing at some shapely blonde in the distance:

Can I just make a comment I’ve noticed today as the identities of his accusers have been made public? In my psychology and sociology classes, repeated studies asserted that predators or abusers always had a “type” that they went after…I’m more inclined to believe the accusers now after seeing pictures of them on the news tonight: all blonde and white…I’m not indicting, mind you, I’m just sayin’.

Now, there’s one truth in politics: that you can always tell what kind of candidate they’ll be based on how they face their first scandal. Cain has come out swinging…at everything that moves. He’s blamed his Republican rivals for leaking the story. He’s blamed the national media for giving credence to a “false” story. He’s currently blaming the media “inside the beltway” for carrying on the story in an attempt to derail his campaign because they don’t like his message. Today he suggested that “the political machine doesn’t want a businessman” in the White House. Whatever the political machine is. In fact, Cain today in a press conference went on the offensive, referring to himself in the third person at least six times, just to distance himself from himself.

So on his site, in the same breath where he’s blaming the beltway media, he says this:

Sadly, we’ve seen this movie played out before – a prominent Conservative targeted by liberals simply because they disagree with his politics.

I’m sorry, dude…Can we just go back a bit and outline sexual improprieties that have rocked the candidacy and career of politicians? Um…Clinton, Hart, Gingrich…It seems to be the law that the other side needs to attack whenever they learn about this.

So there you go. Check out his site for more on Herman Cain and, apparently, Herman Cain, his body double.

See you tomorrow.